I probably should be working.
Or knitting.
Or reading.
Or doing something productive.
But I am frustrated. So I don't feel like doing anything.
I did find a really awesome scarf pattern, but after about 8 inches, I realized that I'm doing it incorrectly. So I think I'm gonna start over in a different color. I have some leftover yarn from the top I made. I was thinking about trying again in that pretty aqua color.
Chris is making me angry. Which bothers me because he is leaving next Thursday. I hope Chris's mom is leaving me her car. Or mom will leave me her's. I need a car that way I can go get food and maybe go hang out with someone. What will I do all by myself? I'll be so friggin bored.
Mrah.
Bored.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Stupid Teenage Drama
I know I'm a drama queen. I know I'm high strung. But that doesn't make me feel any better.
Both my mom and ex-stepfather have MySpace accounts. My ex-stepdad got one just so he could check up on my mom and see who she was hanging out with. I don't feel bad for her. He did the same thing to me by reading diaries and the like. I went on MySpace today (something I rarely do, especially now that I don't use the email where my notifications are sent) looking to watch my mom's 40th birthday skydiving video. For some stupid reason, I decided to check out my ex-stepfather's pictures to see what his new 18 year old girlfriend looks like. (She's a stripper too. Picked himself a real winner this time!) He has an album titled "Dogs I know," which bugged me for several reasons.
1. Know should be capitalized. It's part of a title, and what makes it worst is that it's the last word! Last words of titles are always capitalized! Idiot.
2. The first 6 pictures are pictures of Hans and Jewels, the dogs that still currently live with my mom and little sister. My mom paid for the Hans to have both knees replaced, and she loves those dogs more than you could possibly imagine. Looking at the captions, he keeps saying "my dogs." He hasn't lived at that house in almost a year. How can he possibly even concieve calling them "his dogs?" I hate him for many, many reasons, which I've told the people I care about more than enough times. I won't go into detail here. But, I will bitch that he needs to change the captions of those pictures because I know that for a fact that if he were to walk into the house, the dogs would bark and growl at him just like they do any other stranger. He is nothing to my family anymore so how dare he claim ownership of such an important part of it?
I didn't leave any nasty comments like I wanted to because I'm a firm believer that if you don't want to see something on the internet, don't go looking for it.
As for other news in my life...I'm so fucking bored! I haven't left the house in days and I have only changed once and that was because I cleaned the house for Chris and made dinner and thought I'd look cuter in jeans rather than baggy sweatpants. That's the only reason I have to put day-time clothes on. I am so bored and I don't have a car or a bike lock so my possibilities are kind of restricted right now. I found out I have a little bit of extra money in my account right now, so I'm hoping I can talk Chris into taking me somewhere for dinner. I really really want Panda Express. To be able to go out and stretch my legs sounds so amazing right now.
Also, this lack of getting out of the house is killing our electric bill as well as food supply. You would think I'd be getting knitting projects done, but I haven't finished anything since last week. Grr. Because I'm eating so much all the time, I'm also starting to gain weight. I want a vaccum so that I'm forced to walk the length of our apartment several times every day or two. Or a bike lock so I can go places. That'd be pretty cool too.
Both my mom and ex-stepfather have MySpace accounts. My ex-stepdad got one just so he could check up on my mom and see who she was hanging out with. I don't feel bad for her. He did the same thing to me by reading diaries and the like. I went on MySpace today (something I rarely do, especially now that I don't use the email where my notifications are sent) looking to watch my mom's 40th birthday skydiving video. For some stupid reason, I decided to check out my ex-stepfather's pictures to see what his new 18 year old girlfriend looks like. (She's a stripper too. Picked himself a real winner this time!) He has an album titled "Dogs I know," which bugged me for several reasons.
1. Know should be capitalized. It's part of a title, and what makes it worst is that it's the last word! Last words of titles are always capitalized! Idiot.
2. The first 6 pictures are pictures of Hans and Jewels, the dogs that still currently live with my mom and little sister. My mom paid for the Hans to have both knees replaced, and she loves those dogs more than you could possibly imagine. Looking at the captions, he keeps saying "my dogs." He hasn't lived at that house in almost a year. How can he possibly even concieve calling them "his dogs?" I hate him for many, many reasons, which I've told the people I care about more than enough times. I won't go into detail here. But, I will bitch that he needs to change the captions of those pictures because I know that for a fact that if he were to walk into the house, the dogs would bark and growl at him just like they do any other stranger. He is nothing to my family anymore so how dare he claim ownership of such an important part of it?
I didn't leave any nasty comments like I wanted to because I'm a firm believer that if you don't want to see something on the internet, don't go looking for it.
As for other news in my life...I'm so fucking bored! I haven't left the house in days and I have only changed once and that was because I cleaned the house for Chris and made dinner and thought I'd look cuter in jeans rather than baggy sweatpants. That's the only reason I have to put day-time clothes on. I am so bored and I don't have a car or a bike lock so my possibilities are kind of restricted right now. I found out I have a little bit of extra money in my account right now, so I'm hoping I can talk Chris into taking me somewhere for dinner. I really really want Panda Express. To be able to go out and stretch my legs sounds so amazing right now.
Also, this lack of getting out of the house is killing our electric bill as well as food supply. You would think I'd be getting knitting projects done, but I haven't finished anything since last week. Grr. Because I'm eating so much all the time, I'm also starting to gain weight. I want a vaccum so that I'm forced to walk the length of our apartment several times every day or two. Or a bike lock so I can go places. That'd be pretty cool too.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Almost...Finished...Hate....Seaming...
I'm almost finished knitting the only thing I've ever designed by myself. I'm really happy. I want to put pictures on here as well as Ravelry because I am trying to decide if I should put the pattern up here.
Yes. You heard me right.
I wrote out a pattern. Finally.
So, I'm just chilling out at home. Imagine that. Dan sent me work, but guess what? My pages are down. Of course they're down. They're always down. So, I might not get to work at all unless Ross fixes my pages.
The best part about not working for Dan? Now I've been fired from Ritter's, so if I don't work my ass off this week somewhere, I won't be able to pay rent! Isn't that exciting?
Yup. It's official. Anah called me last night saying, "I normally do this in person, but you don't have a car, so I will just let you know that I'm gonna let you go because we tried it and you're just not a good fit here." Not a good fit? What the hell is that supposed to mean? I've been working at Ritter's for 4 and a half years! How am I not a good fit? I basically live for Ritter's. I have ever since I was 15! I was scheduled three days this week. That was an extra $100 I was gonna use for groceries. Now, we're probably gonna be hungry. Chris has to pay for his Jeep and insurance, and I was gonna pay for groceries. Man, I hate being poor.
But don't get me wrong.
I hate Ritter's way more.
Yes. You heard me right.
I wrote out a pattern. Finally.
So, I'm just chilling out at home. Imagine that. Dan sent me work, but guess what? My pages are down. Of course they're down. They're always down. So, I might not get to work at all unless Ross fixes my pages.
The best part about not working for Dan? Now I've been fired from Ritter's, so if I don't work my ass off this week somewhere, I won't be able to pay rent! Isn't that exciting?
Yup. It's official. Anah called me last night saying, "I normally do this in person, but you don't have a car, so I will just let you know that I'm gonna let you go because we tried it and you're just not a good fit here." Not a good fit? What the hell is that supposed to mean? I've been working at Ritter's for 4 and a half years! How am I not a good fit? I basically live for Ritter's. I have ever since I was 15! I was scheduled three days this week. That was an extra $100 I was gonna use for groceries. Now, we're probably gonna be hungry. Chris has to pay for his Jeep and insurance, and I was gonna pay for groceries. Man, I hate being poor.
But don't get me wrong.
I hate Ritter's way more.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Breakdown #2--New Features Added!
Was it really a whole week ago when I sat on the couch at my mom's bitching about how bored I was? Little did I know that my life would almost end a few days later.
Thursday, June 12th, to be precise.
I can't take much more of this worthless feeling. I left everything good in Warsaw. I love Chris, more than I could ever explain on some stupid blog, but he can only carry me so far. As great as he makes me feel, I have never been someone who relied on others to be happy. Ever since the Jake accident, I have vowed to never let anyone else make me unhappy. Chris makes me immeasurably happy, but lately, that's all. It's Chris and nothing else.
Not even knitting.
Not even working.
Part of the reason work isn't making me happy anymore is because I haven't been working. During my breakdown, I talked to Dan about getting back to work for him. He said maybe he'd try. I don't really know what else to do. I'm looking for jobs elsewhere. I talked to Lauren about being scheduled more often. I had dreams that I walked into Ritter's today (I have to work in about 44 minutes) and I wasn't on the schedule anymore because they were tired of me doing things the "wrong" way. I know I'm doing them right. I don't get why I'm the enemy here! It's breaking my heart, and I really don't know what to do.
Chris really is trying. But it's not working. How is he supposed to make me happy when I can't even make myself happy?
I don't know the answers to any of these questions and I've started second guessing myself on every decision I make. I've never been indecisive. Ever. Why now? Am I really just not cut out for college life?
I'm still only a kid...
Thursday, June 12th, to be precise.
I can't take much more of this worthless feeling. I left everything good in Warsaw. I love Chris, more than I could ever explain on some stupid blog, but he can only carry me so far. As great as he makes me feel, I have never been someone who relied on others to be happy. Ever since the Jake accident, I have vowed to never let anyone else make me unhappy. Chris makes me immeasurably happy, but lately, that's all. It's Chris and nothing else.
Not even knitting.
Not even working.
Part of the reason work isn't making me happy anymore is because I haven't been working. During my breakdown, I talked to Dan about getting back to work for him. He said maybe he'd try. I don't really know what else to do. I'm looking for jobs elsewhere. I talked to Lauren about being scheduled more often. I had dreams that I walked into Ritter's today (I have to work in about 44 minutes) and I wasn't on the schedule anymore because they were tired of me doing things the "wrong" way. I know I'm doing them right. I don't get why I'm the enemy here! It's breaking my heart, and I really don't know what to do.
Chris really is trying. But it's not working. How is he supposed to make me happy when I can't even make myself happy?
I don't know the answers to any of these questions and I've started second guessing myself on every decision I make. I've never been indecisive. Ever. Why now? Am I really just not cut out for college life?
I'm still only a kid...
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Frustrated
I had my break down today. Complete break down. I'm so lucky I have Chris. If it weren't for him, I probably would have quit immediately. I hate knitting. I hate work. I am frustrated. Hopefully sleep will help.
Oh yeah. And apple pucker makes me kinda wanna throw up. Well, at least after sex...
Oh yeah. And apple pucker makes me kinda wanna throw up. Well, at least after sex...
Friday, June 6, 2008
On Hiatus
Right now all projects are currently on hiatus.
Why
Because I'm back in Warsaw! My little sister graduates tonight and I had to come back to town for it. Last night I got to hang out with Rusty and some other drunken stoners I used to kinda hang out with in high school. I was never a huge fan of any of them, but Rusty can be pretty cool on occasion. I think the main reason he wants to hang out is the hope that sooner or later I will bring a single friend back with me from Fort Wayne.
(This is the part where everyone else on stage freezes, and the spotlight shines directly on me as I speak to the audience. All other stage lights are killed.)
This is funny for two reasons. First off, I don't really hang out with single people. Chris and I are starting to see a lot more of Jenni because while school is out for the summer, she is unemployed (yet another drawback of being a teacher). Jenni is a wonderful person, but she is engaged. My best friend also is in a long-term relationship. In fact, I doubt I will see much of Kacy at all this summer because she is much more concerned with saving money to drive to Bloomington to meet her boyfriend than driving the hour to come stay at my apartment for a weekend. I guess that's just how life goes. Anyways, that's the first reason why Rusty wanting a single friend of mine is funny.
Secondly, I don't hang out with anyone. Honestly. When Chris is at work and I don't have anything to do that day for Dan, I'm bored to tears. My only friends (if you can even call them that) are the knitters and crocheters on Ravelry. I don't actually have a relationship with any of them, most of the girls on there only talk to me when they like the sweater I'm making or I say something witty and clever on the I-Hate-Kids board. I hardly ever actually talk to anyone about anything interesting. So, you can see the humor here. Rusty wants me to bring a single friend with me. I'm starting to realize that I don't actually have any friends.
(I walk back to where I was previously standing before this revealing aside and freeze momentarily in position as the lights come back up and action resumes.)
Chris had a really cute movie idea that he told me about before we left for Ritter's yesterday. I look all over the house for my lion, and in each shot, you can see him somewhere hidden in the background. Just as I'm about to give up in frustration and collapse on my bed, I walk into the bedroom and he's just chilling out on the bedspread. I think it sounds cute. Unfortunately, we can't shoot anything till Sunday. I'm going back to Fort Wayne (strange still to call it home) Saturday, but I work Saturday night. I think it will be more fun than what we normally do on Sundays.
Summer is here and it's hot as hell. I miss my air conditioning. And the dogs are killing my allergies. Why did I want to come back so bad? Not to mention it's weird to be sleeping alone again after getting so used to having Chris right there if I needed him.
Big day ahead of me. I get to go to my yarn store, possibly mow the yard (if I don't kill the mower, or if I can even get the damn thing started), go to lunch with Mrs. Erwin and Kacy, go to graduation, maybe hit a party or two later tonight, and manage to find enough sleep to not pass out tomorrow night at close. I think I close with Alex. That's good. I can leave early if necessary. Anyways, I have a lot I would like to get done today. My mom gave me a $20 for food or whatever. I'm probably going to spend most of that at the yarn store. Luckily, I gave Chris all of my tip money for laundry, so I am short about $6 or I would have spent that at Kathy's too.
It's just after 6 in the morning, and I'm kind of planning my day. I'm up so early that my plan might involve a nap. I haven't gotten up this early (and stayed up) in ages. Not since before I moved. I used to wake up before 6 every morning so that I could leave before 6:30 to get to Fort Wayne. That's all over now and it's great. Chris and I wake up about 7:15 and head to work...Well, I get up and put in the Simpsons and watch tv and knit all day. I guess today probably won't be much different than any other day. I wonder if Adam is still in town of if he's left for Guatemala yet. I don't know when Lakeland's graduation is, so he might already be gone.
I've sat and rambled for much too long, so I'm going to get off here and maybe take a shower and shave or something. Maybe I'll just color the shower because I haven't had a chance to do that for months. Once I'm unbanned from the basement (mom's working out), I can begin on my knitting again. I'm resizing my $5 in Paris so that it fits Gwen. The yarn I want to buy today is for the cardigan I made for Gabe, only bigger and girlier for his sister. Just a few more hours till she's open...
Why
Because I'm back in Warsaw! My little sister graduates tonight and I had to come back to town for it. Last night I got to hang out with Rusty and some other drunken stoners I used to kinda hang out with in high school. I was never a huge fan of any of them, but Rusty can be pretty cool on occasion. I think the main reason he wants to hang out is the hope that sooner or later I will bring a single friend back with me from Fort Wayne.
(This is the part where everyone else on stage freezes, and the spotlight shines directly on me as I speak to the audience. All other stage lights are killed.)
This is funny for two reasons. First off, I don't really hang out with single people. Chris and I are starting to see a lot more of Jenni because while school is out for the summer, she is unemployed (yet another drawback of being a teacher). Jenni is a wonderful person, but she is engaged. My best friend also is in a long-term relationship. In fact, I doubt I will see much of Kacy at all this summer because she is much more concerned with saving money to drive to Bloomington to meet her boyfriend than driving the hour to come stay at my apartment for a weekend. I guess that's just how life goes. Anyways, that's the first reason why Rusty wanting a single friend of mine is funny.
Secondly, I don't hang out with anyone. Honestly. When Chris is at work and I don't have anything to do that day for Dan, I'm bored to tears. My only friends (if you can even call them that) are the knitters and crocheters on Ravelry. I don't actually have a relationship with any of them, most of the girls on there only talk to me when they like the sweater I'm making or I say something witty and clever on the I-Hate-Kids board. I hardly ever actually talk to anyone about anything interesting. So, you can see the humor here. Rusty wants me to bring a single friend with me. I'm starting to realize that I don't actually have any friends.
(I walk back to where I was previously standing before this revealing aside and freeze momentarily in position as the lights come back up and action resumes.)
Chris had a really cute movie idea that he told me about before we left for Ritter's yesterday. I look all over the house for my lion, and in each shot, you can see him somewhere hidden in the background. Just as I'm about to give up in frustration and collapse on my bed, I walk into the bedroom and he's just chilling out on the bedspread. I think it sounds cute. Unfortunately, we can't shoot anything till Sunday. I'm going back to Fort Wayne (strange still to call it home) Saturday, but I work Saturday night. I think it will be more fun than what we normally do on Sundays.
Summer is here and it's hot as hell. I miss my air conditioning. And the dogs are killing my allergies. Why did I want to come back so bad? Not to mention it's weird to be sleeping alone again after getting so used to having Chris right there if I needed him.
Big day ahead of me. I get to go to my yarn store, possibly mow the yard (if I don't kill the mower, or if I can even get the damn thing started), go to lunch with Mrs. Erwin and Kacy, go to graduation, maybe hit a party or two later tonight, and manage to find enough sleep to not pass out tomorrow night at close. I think I close with Alex. That's good. I can leave early if necessary. Anyways, I have a lot I would like to get done today. My mom gave me a $20 for food or whatever. I'm probably going to spend most of that at the yarn store. Luckily, I gave Chris all of my tip money for laundry, so I am short about $6 or I would have spent that at Kathy's too.
It's just after 6 in the morning, and I'm kind of planning my day. I'm up so early that my plan might involve a nap. I haven't gotten up this early (and stayed up) in ages. Not since before I moved. I used to wake up before 6 every morning so that I could leave before 6:30 to get to Fort Wayne. That's all over now and it's great. Chris and I wake up about 7:15 and head to work...Well, I get up and put in the Simpsons and watch tv and knit all day. I guess today probably won't be much different than any other day. I wonder if Adam is still in town of if he's left for Guatemala yet. I don't know when Lakeland's graduation is, so he might already be gone.
I've sat and rambled for much too long, so I'm going to get off here and maybe take a shower and shave or something. Maybe I'll just color the shower because I haven't had a chance to do that for months. Once I'm unbanned from the basement (mom's working out), I can begin on my knitting again. I'm resizing my $5 in Paris so that it fits Gwen. The yarn I want to buy today is for the cardigan I made for Gabe, only bigger and girlier for his sister. Just a few more hours till she's open...
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Quitting
I'm quitting both my jobs and becoming a full-time knitter. I can't stand either of my jobs anymore and I just want to leave this life and start over as a knitter. It's the only thing I want to do anymore and I can't stand it.
What has sparked this shocking turn of character? What has caused me to change my entire world view? Why have I suddenly and unexpectedly given up something I have loved since the tender age of 14?
I have been declined a job at DeBrand's. Damn it! I wanted this job! I needed an actual full time job, rather than two completely worthless jobs. I am running out of hope for work. I used to love working. I had such dreams. I want to just give up and knit/crochet for a living. I don't plan on going into the office at all this week because I just got screwed over on my paycheck. I worked 36 hours and made $250? That's wrong! I'm supposed to be making $10 an hour! I should not have had a third of my paycheck taken out in taxes! I think Dan is screwing me over and still paying me only $8 an hour. I hate Ritter's, and I hate IFN. I know that Chris has much better reasons to hate it, but I know what I like about jobs. I hate working for people that won't do the same tasks they ask me to do. Dan does that. I also hate being treated like I don't know what I'm doing. I have been working at Ritter's for longer than anyone else there and they all treat me like I'm just some lost and confused new employee.
I've lost the will to work. Today I'm going to finish my cardigan and start something new. I doubt I will work at all. I hate my job. Therefore, I'm not going to. Period. Tired of work. Done.
On the plus side, this cardigan is coming along really well.
What has sparked this shocking turn of character? What has caused me to change my entire world view? Why have I suddenly and unexpectedly given up something I have loved since the tender age of 14?
I have been declined a job at DeBrand's. Damn it! I wanted this job! I needed an actual full time job, rather than two completely worthless jobs. I am running out of hope for work. I used to love working. I had such dreams. I want to just give up and knit/crochet for a living. I don't plan on going into the office at all this week because I just got screwed over on my paycheck. I worked 36 hours and made $250? That's wrong! I'm supposed to be making $10 an hour! I should not have had a third of my paycheck taken out in taxes! I think Dan is screwing me over and still paying me only $8 an hour. I hate Ritter's, and I hate IFN. I know that Chris has much better reasons to hate it, but I know what I like about jobs. I hate working for people that won't do the same tasks they ask me to do. Dan does that. I also hate being treated like I don't know what I'm doing. I have been working at Ritter's for longer than anyone else there and they all treat me like I'm just some lost and confused new employee.
I've lost the will to work. Today I'm going to finish my cardigan and start something new. I doubt I will work at all. I hate my job. Therefore, I'm not going to. Period. Tired of work. Done.
On the plus side, this cardigan is coming along really well.
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