I'm starting to feel depressed again because of this. Ever since I met Chris I haven't been able to hold a steady job. It's just been one thing after another. How is it possible that I've made it this far on my own? I can't think of a single month where I haven't needed my mom's help for something because I just don't have the money.
I know that I'm kind of PMSy right now, but there are roots there. It's not like I'm ready to kill myself because no one likes me or anything silly like that...I'm just so frustrated with what my life has become.
I feel awful all the time now. It's everything. While Chris is at work, I want to sleep because I just get so tired. When I wake up I feel guilty. The dishes get done between once and twice a week. I feel guilty about that, but on the other hand, I feel like I shouldn't have to maintain a perfect house. Then I feel like Chris is mad because he wants me to do the dishes. Just because I'm unemployed doesn't mean I don't have things to do, meaning I don't want to sit and clean house all day every day. Also, I don't feel that I should have dinner plans ready as soon as Chris comes home. My cooking skills are incredibly limited. It's not that I can't cook at all, but there are few meals I make well. He won't eat half of them because they aren't "dinner foods." Again, just because I am unemployed does not make me a cook. I can't remember the last time Chris cooked for me.
I feel unappreciated again. And then I feel worse, because he spends money on me and I can't return the favor because I'm broke. I don't know if he expects me to cook and clean and go grocery shopping because I can't buy him anything...Or if it's just because he wants me to be the housewife.
It kills me not being able to buy groceries, but then again...Why should I always be the one to fork over money for food? Last time he bought groceries, he spent $80. We got to the checkout lane and I pulled his wallet out of my purse for him to get money. He was surprised that I expected him to pay, even though I had just given him the only $300 I had for rent. I don't know why it bothers me so much. Maybe it's because we haven't been grocery shopping in weeks and we desperately need to go, but I feel that if I bring it up to him, he's going to be offended and say "Well, you're home all day, why didn't you just go earlier?" and then be mad when I need him to pay.
I haven't been feeling sexy lately either. And it's because I worry that Chris won't love me because I always seem to be unemployed.
I need to go cry for a while. That's one thing the PMS still has over me.
