Employment Rocks!

I haven't actually physically taken the job yet, but Robert just asked if I wanted to come back to work! Woohoo! I've got a job! Doing something I love, with people I enjoy, in a town I miss dearly. Oh my God, I'm so excited!

How Do I Feel Today?

There was a thread started yesterday where you posted a picture as to how you felt. You weren't allowed to explain anything or reply to another post. You just posted your picture and moved on. I wanted to explain myself here.

However, I am lazy and don't want to post the photo.

I used the picture I did because it was amazingly colorful, but the colors were all trapped under glass. That's kind of how I felt yesterday. Creative, but unable to express it.

Until my yarn gets here, I'm just waiting...waiting...waiting...waiting.

I don't like waiting.

I brought home a box of crayons from mom's and I've been working on my mosiac butterfly. The Sharpie tends to make my head hurt and we are out of aspirin, so I can only work for short amounts of time. I think the butterfly will be pretty once I'm finished. I also think that's what I'll do for the chalk walk. Great big mosiac butterfly. Maybe a flower or something as well. BF is driving me nuts telling me I should do Mario. I'm not wasting 64 square feet on a video game character. If he wants to do it, more power to him.

So...Back to my original question.

How am I feeling today?

Creative?

Tired?

Frustrated?

Giddy?

I'm not totally sure yet. Maybe once I get off my computer and turn on some tunes and start my work for today, I'll feel something besides boredom. I am kind of hungry. That's a feeling, isn't it?

So Much Better

Well, I did it.
I asked Chris for the money to start up. And then I asked my mom for more.
On the plus side, I found this truly amazing place to buy my yarn from, and with the money my mom is giving me, I'll have enough to pay Chris pack, set some aside for more yarn, and pay for shipping to some of the KGs to send out little samples once I've got them.
I've ordered 6 hanks of sock yarn that should be here sometime in the next two weeks. I'm about ready to jump out of my skin waiting though. On the plus side, even if the yarn arrives in two weeks exactly, it will arrive precisely in time for the weekend, therefore making my first trip a nice and pleasant one filled with lots of empty house time so I don't send Chris off the the nut house with my first excursion.
Don't get me wrong. I love my boyfriend, but sometimes it's easier to be creative when he isn't here distracting me. (Or worse...Me trying to distract him!)
I had a lovely talk with one of my favorite online ladies (what am I saying?! She is totally my favorite online lady) and she tried so hard to make me feel better the other day. I wish I would have thanked her properly the other day but I was just so damn grumpy...I plan on sending her a lovely thank you when I can.
On the one down side to this whole project...It's keeping me from sleeping at night. I can't go to sleep in the first place, and then I just wake up and stay up. My whole life I've never slept straight through the night, but I haven't just woken up and stayed up since I was twelve or thirteen.
Alright. I'm done here. Google is pissing me off, so I've got to log back in to keep this thing from driving me bonkers.

My Poor iPod Just Hasn't Caught On...

It keeps playing happy music even though that's about the farthest from how I truly feel. Usually, I like to listen to happy music when I'm frustrated because it puts me in a better state of mind. Today, however, it's the music itself that's bugging me. Not because I don't like the songs (it's a 21-song playlist of my favorite 21 songs on my iPod), but because they are terribly inspiring but I can't do anything about it.

Chris finally talked me into an Etsy shop. I've got all my colors picked out to start off, but I wanted to practice before I used the nice yarn I intend to sell. So, I grabbed some Lion Brand Fisherman's Wool. I wanted to do some color samples, but this yarn doesn't dye. No matter what method I use, I can't get the yarn to take any color. I get a washed out, faded, lousy color and it means I can't do any of the hand painting I wanted to try. I either hand paint and get nothing or kettle dye and get one sucky mousy color.

Until I work out the color issue, I don't get any yarn. I know that the yarn I am ordering will take dye. Easily. I've done it several times now. But this stupid yarn won't take the color. And it's the only "undyed" yarn (though I'm fairly certain this yarn has been bleached-I've seen this happen before) around town.

I'm incredibly frustrated and not sure what the next step is. I think Chris was maybe going to get the yarn for me to start up, but now I don't think he will. He's smart. He will want to see exactly what I can do, but currently I can't do anything. He gets home around 2 so I'll talk to him and show him the problems I'm having. Maybe we can work something out.

I really wanted to have this stupid shop up by the end of next week. Now I don't think that's going to happen. To be totally honest...

I don't think I'll ever get it up and running. Not because I don't want to...But I don't think Chris will trust me enough to front me the money. Why should he? I still don't have a job. I've been late every month since December. I don't have a car (nor will I be able to use Ande's because now her brakes have completely shut down and mom's has totally died as well). I just don't do anything right. So...Even though I know he says I can make this work, I don't think he really wants to believe in me. He doesn't want to loose money. I don't blame him. I'm pretty useless as a girlfriend.

Hm. That turned depressing awfully quickly. I'm gonna go try to clean up my mess.

I Hate Death.

Ever since I was old enough to know what being scared is, I've been scared of everything. Until I moved in with Chris, I slept with the tv on every night because I don't like being left in the dark. Before I had a tv in my room I slept with the door open and had to go to sleep before my parents went to bed. If that didn't happen, I lay panicing in the dark until my parents were downstairs so that I could turn the lights on and exhaust myself to sleep by coloring or reading or whatever.

Now that I live with Chris, I can't sleep if I'm not physically touching him. He makes me feel protected and secure. The 4 days he was in St. Louis were awful. I was awake until the sun came up because I couldn't sleep in the dark by myself. It's insane.

It's all because I fear death.

I'm terrified of dying. When I finally moved away from home, I called my mom at least once a day to check on her. My sister too. I still call my mom more frequently than is probably normal. I just always had this sick feeling like they were going to die, and no one would bother telling me. I panic watching other people speed down the highway. People running red lights make me flinch. I get goosebumps and shivers and nauseaous whenever I pass a dead animal on the road. I just hate death.

Chris loves zombie movies and videogames. He likes playing Left 4 Dead and now Dead Space...Well, I guess Dead Space isn't really zombies, but the crew is killed and then reanimated in scary alien form, but those are just technicalities. I can't watch Chris play Left 4 Dead and then go right to sleep. If he has to use the bathroom before he goes to sleep, I lay in bed awake watching out the window in an absolute panic until he comes to bed. I can't sleep if I'm not directly against the wall. If you try to put me in a spot near the door, I go crazy. I also can't be the one who finally turns out the light before bed.

If I wake up in the middle of the night, I have to spend 5 minutes talking myself into getting out of bed and going to the bathroom or to get a drink or my inhaler. Can you believe it? I'd rather lie in bed unable to breathe than get up and face the dark and almost certain death? It's irrational. I'm terrified that if I let my hands or feet hang over the edge of the bed, some dead and rotting thing will grab them and drag me under. I even worry about Chris. If something were to happen to him and he were turned into a zombie or monster, would he be the one to kill me?

These things eat away at me. I don't like being home alone. I don't like driving at night. I really don't like the dark. And I hate that someday I'll need to come to terms with this. I'm not sure I'll ever have it in me to not be afraid.

Dying, Part 2

Seriously...Something is wrong with me. I'm going to schedule a doctor's visit next week. This stomach-hurting-all-the-time-thing has got to go. I can't stand much more.

Yet Another BTW:

I want to grafitti something public with yarn. I want to get a group of knitters/crocheters together to graffiti this town. I think it would be a blast to go out sometime this summer and throw scarves and hats on everything.

And no need to mention that I spelled grafitti two different ways. I know I did. I don't know how to spell it and I don't care to find out either. I'm just that lazy.

I Need A Webcam

I've met my first real life deaf friend. I know several deaf people from going to volleyball, but I consider Mike to be a real friend. We chat. Only, his typing isn't wonderful. I don't think it's because he's dumb or a slow learner. I think it's because he uses wonderful sign language. Talking to him in person is great. He signs really well and is always willing to slow down or repeat something I didn't catch.

So...I want a webcam so I can sign with him. Plus, it'd be really great practice. I'm pretty sure I know more sign than any of the girls in class, but that's simply not good enough. I want to be fluent. I want to watch people at volleyball and understand and be able to laugh along with them.

I'm starving. Gonna make some pizza rolls and then do some webcam research.

Oh My God...

...I think I'm dying.

No, seriously this time. I'm pretty sure my body has had it with me. My uterus is staging a civil war and my ovaries are the territory being faught over. You can only guess where the casualties end up.

I can't lay down, stand up, move around...I can basically hunch over my computer, with one foot under me and one knee up to my chest. It's akward and uncomfortable for the rest of my body but it's the only position where I can think about something other than the pain. And I've taken drugs for it, but they aren't working!

Ever since I moved to the Fort my body has been unsure as to which direction it wants to go. I've been uncomfortably "shifting" from every direction possible from three days to two weeks, from two weeks apart to six weeks apart, from no warning whatsoever to three days of uncontrollable, miserable pain before.

This is awful. I'm pretty sure that if my body hasn't won the war by 8:15, I'm emailing all my professors and telling them that there's no way I'm gonna make it into school today. I can barely stand, let alone walk around campus to my various classes. I can take my time and figure out which classes I should take next fall, that is if I even make it to next fall. At the rate I'm going, I'll be stuck in this position for the rest of my life. My boyfriend will come home from school today or work tomorrow and find my poor deserted skin, all the organs run away to form a more perfect union in someone else's lower half.

Until then, I think I'll work on finding some more sources for my bibliography. If I'm not going to English, I really need to have my bibliography sent in with my last will and testament. If I don't make it to finish my paper, hopefully she will grade me based on my previous work in class. Apart from death, failing English...again...Is seriously the last thing I need.

It's almost 8 now...Which means the drugs I took should have kicked in almost a half hour ago...And I still feel only pain. I think I'm going to ask my french professor if I can take the quiz later today when I can function again. Not like I'm going to pass anyways...

On the plus side, bent over and miserable is the perfect position to knit in. Time to make more squares!

Oh the Woes of Designing

I'm attempting to design. It isn't going very well. I love the project that Chris made me, but it just takes too long. I'm gonna ask him if he can add a "fill" type button so I don't have to click on each square in a 42*42 grid in order to see my design. I tried using it this morning, but it just takes forever. And the stitches are sideways. They should be wider than they are tall, and they are reversed in my program. That won't take more than a second to fix. The fill button, on the other hand...That could be a while.

I'm also beginning to realize that I'm not the only person with this idea. Several people on Ravelry have this type of pattern for sale. I don't know if I plan on making them available, but it makes me nervous that maybe I'll give these things out for Christmas and no one will think it's special. I mean, I know they're just dishcloths/face cloths/whatever...But I'd like to know that I designed them myself and made them special for each person.

It's just now occured to me that I haven't even mentioned what I'm trying to design! I want to come up with a chart for each letter of the manual alphabet so I can put them on dishcloths for people. I want to make a letter for everybody at Christmas. I even counted all the names already! I need:

3 Ds

4 Ms

4 Gs

3 As

2 Cs (incidentally, they are both named Chris!)

1 T

1 J

4 Ss

1 B

1 K (and no, that one's not for me...Trust me. I have plenty of "test" Gs for myself.)

This sucks. I hate knitting with cotton. It makes my hands hurt really bad. Maybe I should test knit with something a little less intense. I have a pound of Caron Simply Soft. Maybe I'll use that. It's nice and neutral white, and it's a lot less abrasive than cotton on my hands.

I was doing a bit of research to figure out what kind of cotton I should make these out of. Apparently Hobby Lobby has cotton yarn that's not a complete misery to use. I was thinking about heading out there today to browse around. It's probably going to be my cheapest option. I think they have lots of colors to. That's pretty awesome.

That's basically all I needed to say for right now. I'm just pissed that this isn't going the way I want it to. Once Chris is all dressed, I think we'll head out towards Hobby Lobby to check things out. 

Man, Fazolis sounds really awesome right now...

Bike Rides

I was feeling very depressed last week. Yesterday, I felt fixed. I think that my key to success is a bike ride! Chris and I have been trying to go for bike rides since last summer, but there was always some stupid problem. Yesterday, we finally made it out. We just went and rode around our neighborhood, to the park, downtown, almost to school...I think we were out for an hour.

I had slept for 2 or 3 hours before that because I just didn't want to be awake. I was unhappy. But when I got home from my ride, I felt amazing. I didn't take my inhaler with me because I didn't think I'd be gone that long, but I felt so good, I just had to keep going. Not once did I ever feel like I needed my inhaler! I felt great! I got home and my legs were so tired, but all together, it was an awesome experience. I think I'm gonna go on more bike rides.

I don't think it would have been as much fun without Chris there with me. I had so much fun.

Oh Yeah...By The Way

I've decided to try a new layout. What do you, Loyal Reader, think of my new diggs?

Excitement Mixed With Major Annoyance

Did I really post on the 2nd? Guess I'm getting better about keeping this thing updated.

Let's start with the bad news first. I like starting with bad news. Who doesn't? So-the bad news is this: We moved on the 9th, and already everything in our apartment has broken down. For two weeks now I have been calling maintenance almost every other day trying to get them to fix various crap in the apartment. Here's the list so far:

1. On the day we moved in, I checked the apartment for damage like most apartments have you do. First thing I saw was this nasty disgusting freezer that was brown and black inside and gross. Turns out the guy that was here before us put his ciggarettes out in the freezer.

...

Why would you do that?!?!?

So...They replaced our fridge that Monday.

2. The air conditioner, window sills and bathtub were full of construction debris from them replacing the windows, carpet, tile floors and paint job. The maintence guy came out and cleaned everything up, which was nice of him. He also replaced our air conditioner filter which was awfully nice of him.

3. The window sills, because the windows have been replaced, are completely torn apart. I mentioned this on my checklist, but the only thing they can do is bring the construction team in here to sand them down and repaint. Maybe I'm just naive, but...Isn't that the kind of thing you should have finished before moving in?

4. We decided to do all our laundry on moving day. Figured it'd be nice to get it out of the way. We ran the first load no problem. The second load (while the first was in the dryer), the washer filled up and shut off. Then, sure enough, the dryer stopped and wouldn't start again. The maintenance guy had to come back and fix our washer and dryer.

5. We have no water pressure at all in the bathtub. I've called 3 times about this and according to maintenance, "There's nothing we can do about this, so we need to call someone." That's the most definitive answer I've gotten, and still...No one's fixed this. Last night, I wanted to take a bath, so I turned the water on and figured I'd let it run for an hour and it would fill up. Wrong. After a half an hour, I couldn't hear the water running anymore, so I check the tub to see that the water is no more than a trickle. Chris saw how upset I was, so he took the inside ceramic bowl thing out of the crock pot and used the bathroom sink to fill the tub up the rest of the way. He is filing a complaint with the Better Business Beaureu (which incidentally, is right next door to the apartment complex) and I am calling one last time tomorrow before I pitch a fit.

6. The washer stopped again last night. We had maintenance come out and he said we were just running too big of a load. He asked for a garbage bag to put some of the clothes in. We let the load finish running and when we looked inside, he had washed a pair of jeans, two pairs of socks, a towel and four shirts. It would be faster to wash them by hand in the bathtub.

That's all for my bad news. Now for the exciting part.

Ravelry is hiring!

I don't even know what to think about this! Of course I have to try, but do I think I might actually be qualified. When I think back over the past year and a half with Chris, I think about how much I've learned about computers. Plus, I worked for Dan doing all sorts of computer work. Maybe I could have a chance. I'm on Ravelry a good 18 hours a day a least, so hey...Maybe it could happen. Chris says not to get my hopes up and of course I can't. Casey, Jess and Mary-Heather are going to recieve thousands of applications. There are 350,000 Ravelers. I think only about 150,000 are active on Ravelry, but still...With how many people are unemployed right now...I bet this job is a beacon to us saps! I am going to do a video as wells as a letter, just in case anything goes wrong with the video. I have a YouTube account now, so I could just upload it there, and maybe even link it to here. That would be a first.

I'm gonna go for it. Really. I've even been seriously thinking about what kind of fiber I'd be because that's one of the questions! It sounds silly, but it really could be a wonderful opportunity for someone. Especially me...

Can't Take Much More of This...

I hate being unemployed. Two months now, I've been sitting bored around the house just waiting for something to come along. Anything. Waiting for the economy to turn around. Something. I hate just sitting here watching tv or doing dishes or knitting. I know most people who work wish for nothing more than to sit around and enjoy themselves. People that work also don't have to worry about not being able to pay the bills. I barely paid rent last month and I'm not totally sure how long it's going to be before I can give Chris this month's rent. I've never not paid him, and I don't plan on this month being any different.

Then it gets interesting. We move next week. The deposit alone was $300, which means for the first month I owe Chris $5oo plus the $300 for this place. Where am I going to find $800? Even if I were to get a job today, I'd have to work 100 odd hours just to pay rent at $8 an hour. And who knows if I can even get a job making that much? I've been fired from the last 2 jobs, had an "issue" with the job before that so I quit, and then fired from the job before that! Who would want to hire me? No body is hiring and even if they were, my resume blows. I'm seriously fucked. What am I supposed to do? Even with unemployment, I'm only getting half of what I need for this month.

I could call my dad and ask him for the money, but we all know what he'd say. He'd say that he needs that money since he's paying almost $8000 in child support every year and thinks my mom is wasting it on booze or hookers or whatever. I should call him tonight. Marcell is coming up to Fort Wayne on Wednesday and I think I'd rather talk to her about it. I think if I talk to Marcell first, she can brace my dad. But then what am I supposed to do? Even if my dad gives me the $800 I owe Chris, what about next month? Next month I have another $350-$400 I need to come up with.

I'm starting to feel like giving up. I want to run away because I just don't know what to do. I'm ready to drop out of college and just go live as a bum somewhere since I can't seem to find a job no matter what. No body wants to hire a twice fired college kid.

What the hell am I going to do?

National WIP Finishing Day! (and by national-I mean just for me)

I've decided that because Chris will be at work all day, I am going to finish up some of my giant pile of WIPs. They are in danger of taking up more space than my yarn, so I'm gonna try to finish some of them. Maybe I'll keep posted here, even though I hardly ever blog. Gonna start off with Chris's Valentine's sweater. Get the collar done, then move on to my Kenobi jacket, then his hat, then my hedgehog, then maybe some socks. I figure that I don't have a car today (the battery is totally dead and not holding a charge), so I'll make my time useful here.

Unemployed, Yet Again

I can't stand being unemployed. I'm so bored! Yet I lack the will to get off my fat, lazy ass and go out there and get a job. The economy is pretty awful right now, which discourages me even more. I'm underqualified for most jobs, and the jobs that I am suited for aren't hiring because everyone is broke right now.

I'm starting to feel depressed again because of this. Ever since I met Chris I haven't been able to hold a steady job. It's just been one thing after another. How is it possible that I've made it this far on my own? I can't think of a single month where I haven't needed my mom's help for something because I just don't have the money.

I know that I'm kind of PMSy right now, but there are roots there. It's not like I'm ready to kill myself because no one likes me or anything silly like that...I'm just so frustrated with what my life has become.

I feel awful all the time now. It's everything. While Chris is at work, I want to sleep because I just get so tired. When I wake up I feel guilty. The dishes get done between once and twice a week. I feel guilty about that, but on the other hand, I feel like I shouldn't have to maintain a perfect house. Then I feel like Chris is mad because he wants me to do the dishes. Just because I'm unemployed doesn't mean I don't have things to do, meaning I don't want to sit and clean house all day every day. Also, I don't feel that I should have dinner plans ready as soon as Chris comes home. My cooking skills are incredibly limited. It's not that I can't cook at all, but there are few meals I make well. He won't eat half of them because they aren't "dinner foods." Again, just because I am unemployed does not make me a cook. I can't remember the last time Chris cooked for me.

I feel unappreciated again. And then I feel worse, because he spends money on me and I can't return the favor because I'm broke. I don't know if he expects me to cook and clean and go grocery shopping because I can't buy him anything...Or if it's just because he wants me to be the housewife.

It kills me not being able to buy groceries, but then again...Why should I always be the one to fork over money for food? Last time he bought groceries, he spent $80. We got to the checkout lane and I pulled his wallet out of my purse for him to get money. He was surprised that I expected him to pay, even though I had just given him the only $300 I had for rent. I don't know why it bothers me so much. Maybe it's because we haven't been grocery shopping in weeks and we desperately need to go, but I feel that if I bring it up to him, he's going to be offended and say "Well, you're home all day, why didn't you just go earlier?" and then be mad when I need him to pay.

I haven't been feeling sexy lately either. And it's because I worry that Chris won't love me because I always seem to be unemployed.

I need to go cry for a while. That's one thing the PMS still has over me.

The War of the Housework

I hate doing dishes.