I Hate Death.

Ever since I was old enough to know what being scared is, I've been scared of everything. Until I moved in with Chris, I slept with the tv on every night because I don't like being left in the dark. Before I had a tv in my room I slept with the door open and had to go to sleep before my parents went to bed. If that didn't happen, I lay panicing in the dark until my parents were downstairs so that I could turn the lights on and exhaust myself to sleep by coloring or reading or whatever.

Now that I live with Chris, I can't sleep if I'm not physically touching him. He makes me feel protected and secure. The 4 days he was in St. Louis were awful. I was awake until the sun came up because I couldn't sleep in the dark by myself. It's insane.

It's all because I fear death.

I'm terrified of dying. When I finally moved away from home, I called my mom at least once a day to check on her. My sister too. I still call my mom more frequently than is probably normal. I just always had this sick feeling like they were going to die, and no one would bother telling me. I panic watching other people speed down the highway. People running red lights make me flinch. I get goosebumps and shivers and nauseaous whenever I pass a dead animal on the road. I just hate death.

Chris loves zombie movies and videogames. He likes playing Left 4 Dead and now Dead Space...Well, I guess Dead Space isn't really zombies, but the crew is killed and then reanimated in scary alien form, but those are just technicalities. I can't watch Chris play Left 4 Dead and then go right to sleep. If he has to use the bathroom before he goes to sleep, I lay in bed awake watching out the window in an absolute panic until he comes to bed. I can't sleep if I'm not directly against the wall. If you try to put me in a spot near the door, I go crazy. I also can't be the one who finally turns out the light before bed.

If I wake up in the middle of the night, I have to spend 5 minutes talking myself into getting out of bed and going to the bathroom or to get a drink or my inhaler. Can you believe it? I'd rather lie in bed unable to breathe than get up and face the dark and almost certain death? It's irrational. I'm terrified that if I let my hands or feet hang over the edge of the bed, some dead and rotting thing will grab them and drag me under. I even worry about Chris. If something were to happen to him and he were turned into a zombie or monster, would he be the one to kill me?

These things eat away at me. I don't like being home alone. I don't like driving at night. I really don't like the dark. And I hate that someday I'll need to come to terms with this. I'm not sure I'll ever have it in me to not be afraid.

Dying, Part 2

Seriously...Something is wrong with me. I'm going to schedule a doctor's visit next week. This stomach-hurting-all-the-time-thing has got to go. I can't stand much more.

Yet Another BTW:

I want to grafitti something public with yarn. I want to get a group of knitters/crocheters together to graffiti this town. I think it would be a blast to go out sometime this summer and throw scarves and hats on everything.

And no need to mention that I spelled grafitti two different ways. I know I did. I don't know how to spell it and I don't care to find out either. I'm just that lazy.

I Need A Webcam

I've met my first real life deaf friend. I know several deaf people from going to volleyball, but I consider Mike to be a real friend. We chat. Only, his typing isn't wonderful. I don't think it's because he's dumb or a slow learner. I think it's because he uses wonderful sign language. Talking to him in person is great. He signs really well and is always willing to slow down or repeat something I didn't catch.

So...I want a webcam so I can sign with him. Plus, it'd be really great practice. I'm pretty sure I know more sign than any of the girls in class, but that's simply not good enough. I want to be fluent. I want to watch people at volleyball and understand and be able to laugh along with them.

I'm starving. Gonna make some pizza rolls and then do some webcam research.

Oh My God...

...I think I'm dying.

No, seriously this time. I'm pretty sure my body has had it with me. My uterus is staging a civil war and my ovaries are the territory being faught over. You can only guess where the casualties end up.

I can't lay down, stand up, move around...I can basically hunch over my computer, with one foot under me and one knee up to my chest. It's akward and uncomfortable for the rest of my body but it's the only position where I can think about something other than the pain. And I've taken drugs for it, but they aren't working!

Ever since I moved to the Fort my body has been unsure as to which direction it wants to go. I've been uncomfortably "shifting" from every direction possible from three days to two weeks, from two weeks apart to six weeks apart, from no warning whatsoever to three days of uncontrollable, miserable pain before.

This is awful. I'm pretty sure that if my body hasn't won the war by 8:15, I'm emailing all my professors and telling them that there's no way I'm gonna make it into school today. I can barely stand, let alone walk around campus to my various classes. I can take my time and figure out which classes I should take next fall, that is if I even make it to next fall. At the rate I'm going, I'll be stuck in this position for the rest of my life. My boyfriend will come home from school today or work tomorrow and find my poor deserted skin, all the organs run away to form a more perfect union in someone else's lower half.

Until then, I think I'll work on finding some more sources for my bibliography. If I'm not going to English, I really need to have my bibliography sent in with my last will and testament. If I don't make it to finish my paper, hopefully she will grade me based on my previous work in class. Apart from death, failing English...again...Is seriously the last thing I need.

It's almost 8 now...Which means the drugs I took should have kicked in almost a half hour ago...And I still feel only pain. I think I'm going to ask my french professor if I can take the quiz later today when I can function again. Not like I'm going to pass anyways...

On the plus side, bent over and miserable is the perfect position to knit in. Time to make more squares!

Oh the Woes of Designing

I'm attempting to design. It isn't going very well. I love the project that Chris made me, but it just takes too long. I'm gonna ask him if he can add a "fill" type button so I don't have to click on each square in a 42*42 grid in order to see my design. I tried using it this morning, but it just takes forever. And the stitches are sideways. They should be wider than they are tall, and they are reversed in my program. That won't take more than a second to fix. The fill button, on the other hand...That could be a while.

I'm also beginning to realize that I'm not the only person with this idea. Several people on Ravelry have this type of pattern for sale. I don't know if I plan on making them available, but it makes me nervous that maybe I'll give these things out for Christmas and no one will think it's special. I mean, I know they're just dishcloths/face cloths/whatever...But I'd like to know that I designed them myself and made them special for each person.

It's just now occured to me that I haven't even mentioned what I'm trying to design! I want to come up with a chart for each letter of the manual alphabet so I can put them on dishcloths for people. I want to make a letter for everybody at Christmas. I even counted all the names already! I need:

3 Ds

4 Ms

4 Gs

3 As

2 Cs (incidentally, they are both named Chris!)

1 T

1 J

4 Ss

1 B

1 K (and no, that one's not for me...Trust me. I have plenty of "test" Gs for myself.)

This sucks. I hate knitting with cotton. It makes my hands hurt really bad. Maybe I should test knit with something a little less intense. I have a pound of Caron Simply Soft. Maybe I'll use that. It's nice and neutral white, and it's a lot less abrasive than cotton on my hands.

I was doing a bit of research to figure out what kind of cotton I should make these out of. Apparently Hobby Lobby has cotton yarn that's not a complete misery to use. I was thinking about heading out there today to browse around. It's probably going to be my cheapest option. I think they have lots of colors to. That's pretty awesome.

That's basically all I needed to say for right now. I'm just pissed that this isn't going the way I want it to. Once Chris is all dressed, I think we'll head out towards Hobby Lobby to check things out. 

Man, Fazolis sounds really awesome right now...

Bike Rides

I was feeling very depressed last week. Yesterday, I felt fixed. I think that my key to success is a bike ride! Chris and I have been trying to go for bike rides since last summer, but there was always some stupid problem. Yesterday, we finally made it out. We just went and rode around our neighborhood, to the park, downtown, almost to school...I think we were out for an hour.

I had slept for 2 or 3 hours before that because I just didn't want to be awake. I was unhappy. But when I got home from my ride, I felt amazing. I didn't take my inhaler with me because I didn't think I'd be gone that long, but I felt so good, I just had to keep going. Not once did I ever feel like I needed my inhaler! I felt great! I got home and my legs were so tired, but all together, it was an awesome experience. I think I'm gonna go on more bike rides.

I don't think it would have been as much fun without Chris there with me. I had so much fun.