So Much Better

Well, I did it.
I asked Chris for the money to start up. And then I asked my mom for more.
On the plus side, I found this truly amazing place to buy my yarn from, and with the money my mom is giving me, I'll have enough to pay Chris pack, set some aside for more yarn, and pay for shipping to some of the KGs to send out little samples once I've got them.
I've ordered 6 hanks of sock yarn that should be here sometime in the next two weeks. I'm about ready to jump out of my skin waiting though. On the plus side, even if the yarn arrives in two weeks exactly, it will arrive precisely in time for the weekend, therefore making my first trip a nice and pleasant one filled with lots of empty house time so I don't send Chris off the the nut house with my first excursion.
Don't get me wrong. I love my boyfriend, but sometimes it's easier to be creative when he isn't here distracting me. (Or worse...Me trying to distract him!)
I had a lovely talk with one of my favorite online ladies (what am I saying?! She is totally my favorite online lady) and she tried so hard to make me feel better the other day. I wish I would have thanked her properly the other day but I was just so damn grumpy...I plan on sending her a lovely thank you when I can.
On the one down side to this whole project...It's keeping me from sleeping at night. I can't go to sleep in the first place, and then I just wake up and stay up. My whole life I've never slept straight through the night, but I haven't just woken up and stayed up since I was twelve or thirteen.
Alright. I'm done here. Google is pissing me off, so I've got to log back in to keep this thing from driving me bonkers.

My Poor iPod Just Hasn't Caught On...

It keeps playing happy music even though that's about the farthest from how I truly feel. Usually, I like to listen to happy music when I'm frustrated because it puts me in a better state of mind. Today, however, it's the music itself that's bugging me. Not because I don't like the songs (it's a 21-song playlist of my favorite 21 songs on my iPod), but because they are terribly inspiring but I can't do anything about it.

Chris finally talked me into an Etsy shop. I've got all my colors picked out to start off, but I wanted to practice before I used the nice yarn I intend to sell. So, I grabbed some Lion Brand Fisherman's Wool. I wanted to do some color samples, but this yarn doesn't dye. No matter what method I use, I can't get the yarn to take any color. I get a washed out, faded, lousy color and it means I can't do any of the hand painting I wanted to try. I either hand paint and get nothing or kettle dye and get one sucky mousy color.

Until I work out the color issue, I don't get any yarn. I know that the yarn I am ordering will take dye. Easily. I've done it several times now. But this stupid yarn won't take the color. And it's the only "undyed" yarn (though I'm fairly certain this yarn has been bleached-I've seen this happen before) around town.

I'm incredibly frustrated and not sure what the next step is. I think Chris was maybe going to get the yarn for me to start up, but now I don't think he will. He's smart. He will want to see exactly what I can do, but currently I can't do anything. He gets home around 2 so I'll talk to him and show him the problems I'm having. Maybe we can work something out.

I really wanted to have this stupid shop up by the end of next week. Now I don't think that's going to happen. To be totally honest...

I don't think I'll ever get it up and running. Not because I don't want to...But I don't think Chris will trust me enough to front me the money. Why should he? I still don't have a job. I've been late every month since December. I don't have a car (nor will I be able to use Ande's because now her brakes have completely shut down and mom's has totally died as well). I just don't do anything right. So...Even though I know he says I can make this work, I don't think he really wants to believe in me. He doesn't want to loose money. I don't blame him. I'm pretty useless as a girlfriend.

Hm. That turned depressing awfully quickly. I'm gonna go try to clean up my mess.

I Hate Death.

Ever since I was old enough to know what being scared is, I've been scared of everything. Until I moved in with Chris, I slept with the tv on every night because I don't like being left in the dark. Before I had a tv in my room I slept with the door open and had to go to sleep before my parents went to bed. If that didn't happen, I lay panicing in the dark until my parents were downstairs so that I could turn the lights on and exhaust myself to sleep by coloring or reading or whatever.

Now that I live with Chris, I can't sleep if I'm not physically touching him. He makes me feel protected and secure. The 4 days he was in St. Louis were awful. I was awake until the sun came up because I couldn't sleep in the dark by myself. It's insane.

It's all because I fear death.

I'm terrified of dying. When I finally moved away from home, I called my mom at least once a day to check on her. My sister too. I still call my mom more frequently than is probably normal. I just always had this sick feeling like they were going to die, and no one would bother telling me. I panic watching other people speed down the highway. People running red lights make me flinch. I get goosebumps and shivers and nauseaous whenever I pass a dead animal on the road. I just hate death.

Chris loves zombie movies and videogames. He likes playing Left 4 Dead and now Dead Space...Well, I guess Dead Space isn't really zombies, but the crew is killed and then reanimated in scary alien form, but those are just technicalities. I can't watch Chris play Left 4 Dead and then go right to sleep. If he has to use the bathroom before he goes to sleep, I lay in bed awake watching out the window in an absolute panic until he comes to bed. I can't sleep if I'm not directly against the wall. If you try to put me in a spot near the door, I go crazy. I also can't be the one who finally turns out the light before bed.

If I wake up in the middle of the night, I have to spend 5 minutes talking myself into getting out of bed and going to the bathroom or to get a drink or my inhaler. Can you believe it? I'd rather lie in bed unable to breathe than get up and face the dark and almost certain death? It's irrational. I'm terrified that if I let my hands or feet hang over the edge of the bed, some dead and rotting thing will grab them and drag me under. I even worry about Chris. If something were to happen to him and he were turned into a zombie or monster, would he be the one to kill me?

These things eat away at me. I don't like being home alone. I don't like driving at night. I really don't like the dark. And I hate that someday I'll need to come to terms with this. I'm not sure I'll ever have it in me to not be afraid.

Dying, Part 2

Seriously...Something is wrong with me. I'm going to schedule a doctor's visit next week. This stomach-hurting-all-the-time-thing has got to go. I can't stand much more.

Yet Another BTW:

I want to grafitti something public with yarn. I want to get a group of knitters/crocheters together to graffiti this town. I think it would be a blast to go out sometime this summer and throw scarves and hats on everything.

And no need to mention that I spelled grafitti two different ways. I know I did. I don't know how to spell it and I don't care to find out either. I'm just that lazy.

I Need A Webcam

I've met my first real life deaf friend. I know several deaf people from going to volleyball, but I consider Mike to be a real friend. We chat. Only, his typing isn't wonderful. I don't think it's because he's dumb or a slow learner. I think it's because he uses wonderful sign language. Talking to him in person is great. He signs really well and is always willing to slow down or repeat something I didn't catch.

So...I want a webcam so I can sign with him. Plus, it'd be really great practice. I'm pretty sure I know more sign than any of the girls in class, but that's simply not good enough. I want to be fluent. I want to watch people at volleyball and understand and be able to laugh along with them.

I'm starving. Gonna make some pizza rolls and then do some webcam research.

Oh My God...

...I think I'm dying.

No, seriously this time. I'm pretty sure my body has had it with me. My uterus is staging a civil war and my ovaries are the territory being faught over. You can only guess where the casualties end up.

I can't lay down, stand up, move around...I can basically hunch over my computer, with one foot under me and one knee up to my chest. It's akward and uncomfortable for the rest of my body but it's the only position where I can think about something other than the pain. And I've taken drugs for it, but they aren't working!

Ever since I moved to the Fort my body has been unsure as to which direction it wants to go. I've been uncomfortably "shifting" from every direction possible from three days to two weeks, from two weeks apart to six weeks apart, from no warning whatsoever to three days of uncontrollable, miserable pain before.

This is awful. I'm pretty sure that if my body hasn't won the war by 8:15, I'm emailing all my professors and telling them that there's no way I'm gonna make it into school today. I can barely stand, let alone walk around campus to my various classes. I can take my time and figure out which classes I should take next fall, that is if I even make it to next fall. At the rate I'm going, I'll be stuck in this position for the rest of my life. My boyfriend will come home from school today or work tomorrow and find my poor deserted skin, all the organs run away to form a more perfect union in someone else's lower half.

Until then, I think I'll work on finding some more sources for my bibliography. If I'm not going to English, I really need to have my bibliography sent in with my last will and testament. If I don't make it to finish my paper, hopefully she will grade me based on my previous work in class. Apart from death, failing English...again...Is seriously the last thing I need.

It's almost 8 now...Which means the drugs I took should have kicked in almost a half hour ago...And I still feel only pain. I think I'm going to ask my french professor if I can take the quiz later today when I can function again. Not like I'm going to pass anyways...

On the plus side, bent over and miserable is the perfect position to knit in. Time to make more squares!