Was it really a whole week ago when I sat on the couch at my mom's bitching about how bored I was? Little did I know that my life would almost end a few days later.
Thursday, June 12th, to be precise.
I can't take much more of this worthless feeling. I left everything good in Warsaw. I love Chris, more than I could ever explain on some stupid blog, but he can only carry me so far. As great as he makes me feel, I have never been someone who relied on others to be happy. Ever since the Jake accident, I have vowed to never let anyone else make me unhappy. Chris makes me immeasurably happy, but lately, that's all. It's Chris and nothing else.
Not even knitting.
Not even working.
Part of the reason work isn't making me happy anymore is because I haven't been working. During my breakdown, I talked to Dan about getting back to work for him. He said maybe he'd try. I don't really know what else to do. I'm looking for jobs elsewhere. I talked to Lauren about being scheduled more often. I had dreams that I walked into Ritter's today (I have to work in about 44 minutes) and I wasn't on the schedule anymore because they were tired of me doing things the "wrong" way. I know I'm doing them right. I don't get why I'm the enemy here! It's breaking my heart, and I really don't know what to do.
Chris really is trying. But it's not working. How is he supposed to make me happy when I can't even make myself happy?
I don't know the answers to any of these questions and I've started second guessing myself on every decision I make. I've never been indecisive. Ever. Why now? Am I really just not cut out for college life?
I'm still only a kid...
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Frustrated
I had my break down today. Complete break down. I'm so lucky I have Chris. If it weren't for him, I probably would have quit immediately. I hate knitting. I hate work. I am frustrated. Hopefully sleep will help.
Oh yeah. And apple pucker makes me kinda wanna throw up. Well, at least after sex...
Oh yeah. And apple pucker makes me kinda wanna throw up. Well, at least after sex...
Friday, June 6, 2008
On Hiatus
Right now all projects are currently on hiatus.
Why
Because I'm back in Warsaw! My little sister graduates tonight and I had to come back to town for it. Last night I got to hang out with Rusty and some other drunken stoners I used to kinda hang out with in high school. I was never a huge fan of any of them, but Rusty can be pretty cool on occasion. I think the main reason he wants to hang out is the hope that sooner or later I will bring a single friend back with me from Fort Wayne.
(This is the part where everyone else on stage freezes, and the spotlight shines directly on me as I speak to the audience. All other stage lights are killed.)
This is funny for two reasons. First off, I don't really hang out with single people. Chris and I are starting to see a lot more of Jenni because while school is out for the summer, she is unemployed (yet another drawback of being a teacher). Jenni is a wonderful person, but she is engaged. My best friend also is in a long-term relationship. In fact, I doubt I will see much of Kacy at all this summer because she is much more concerned with saving money to drive to Bloomington to meet her boyfriend than driving the hour to come stay at my apartment for a weekend. I guess that's just how life goes. Anyways, that's the first reason why Rusty wanting a single friend of mine is funny.
Secondly, I don't hang out with anyone. Honestly. When Chris is at work and I don't have anything to do that day for Dan, I'm bored to tears. My only friends (if you can even call them that) are the knitters and crocheters on Ravelry. I don't actually have a relationship with any of them, most of the girls on there only talk to me when they like the sweater I'm making or I say something witty and clever on the I-Hate-Kids board. I hardly ever actually talk to anyone about anything interesting. So, you can see the humor here. Rusty wants me to bring a single friend with me. I'm starting to realize that I don't actually have any friends.
(I walk back to where I was previously standing before this revealing aside and freeze momentarily in position as the lights come back up and action resumes.)
Chris had a really cute movie idea that he told me about before we left for Ritter's yesterday. I look all over the house for my lion, and in each shot, you can see him somewhere hidden in the background. Just as I'm about to give up in frustration and collapse on my bed, I walk into the bedroom and he's just chilling out on the bedspread. I think it sounds cute. Unfortunately, we can't shoot anything till Sunday. I'm going back to Fort Wayne (strange still to call it home) Saturday, but I work Saturday night. I think it will be more fun than what we normally do on Sundays.
Summer is here and it's hot as hell. I miss my air conditioning. And the dogs are killing my allergies. Why did I want to come back so bad? Not to mention it's weird to be sleeping alone again after getting so used to having Chris right there if I needed him.
Big day ahead of me. I get to go to my yarn store, possibly mow the yard (if I don't kill the mower, or if I can even get the damn thing started), go to lunch with Mrs. Erwin and Kacy, go to graduation, maybe hit a party or two later tonight, and manage to find enough sleep to not pass out tomorrow night at close. I think I close with Alex. That's good. I can leave early if necessary. Anyways, I have a lot I would like to get done today. My mom gave me a $20 for food or whatever. I'm probably going to spend most of that at the yarn store. Luckily, I gave Chris all of my tip money for laundry, so I am short about $6 or I would have spent that at Kathy's too.
It's just after 6 in the morning, and I'm kind of planning my day. I'm up so early that my plan might involve a nap. I haven't gotten up this early (and stayed up) in ages. Not since before I moved. I used to wake up before 6 every morning so that I could leave before 6:30 to get to Fort Wayne. That's all over now and it's great. Chris and I wake up about 7:15 and head to work...Well, I get up and put in the Simpsons and watch tv and knit all day. I guess today probably won't be much different than any other day. I wonder if Adam is still in town of if he's left for Guatemala yet. I don't know when Lakeland's graduation is, so he might already be gone.
I've sat and rambled for much too long, so I'm going to get off here and maybe take a shower and shave or something. Maybe I'll just color the shower because I haven't had a chance to do that for months. Once I'm unbanned from the basement (mom's working out), I can begin on my knitting again. I'm resizing my $5 in Paris so that it fits Gwen. The yarn I want to buy today is for the cardigan I made for Gabe, only bigger and girlier for his sister. Just a few more hours till she's open...
Why
Because I'm back in Warsaw! My little sister graduates tonight and I had to come back to town for it. Last night I got to hang out with Rusty and some other drunken stoners I used to kinda hang out with in high school. I was never a huge fan of any of them, but Rusty can be pretty cool on occasion. I think the main reason he wants to hang out is the hope that sooner or later I will bring a single friend back with me from Fort Wayne.
(This is the part where everyone else on stage freezes, and the spotlight shines directly on me as I speak to the audience. All other stage lights are killed.)
This is funny for two reasons. First off, I don't really hang out with single people. Chris and I are starting to see a lot more of Jenni because while school is out for the summer, she is unemployed (yet another drawback of being a teacher). Jenni is a wonderful person, but she is engaged. My best friend also is in a long-term relationship. In fact, I doubt I will see much of Kacy at all this summer because she is much more concerned with saving money to drive to Bloomington to meet her boyfriend than driving the hour to come stay at my apartment for a weekend. I guess that's just how life goes. Anyways, that's the first reason why Rusty wanting a single friend of mine is funny.
Secondly, I don't hang out with anyone. Honestly. When Chris is at work and I don't have anything to do that day for Dan, I'm bored to tears. My only friends (if you can even call them that) are the knitters and crocheters on Ravelry. I don't actually have a relationship with any of them, most of the girls on there only talk to me when they like the sweater I'm making or I say something witty and clever on the I-Hate-Kids board. I hardly ever actually talk to anyone about anything interesting. So, you can see the humor here. Rusty wants me to bring a single friend with me. I'm starting to realize that I don't actually have any friends.
(I walk back to where I was previously standing before this revealing aside and freeze momentarily in position as the lights come back up and action resumes.)
Chris had a really cute movie idea that he told me about before we left for Ritter's yesterday. I look all over the house for my lion, and in each shot, you can see him somewhere hidden in the background. Just as I'm about to give up in frustration and collapse on my bed, I walk into the bedroom and he's just chilling out on the bedspread. I think it sounds cute. Unfortunately, we can't shoot anything till Sunday. I'm going back to Fort Wayne (strange still to call it home) Saturday, but I work Saturday night. I think it will be more fun than what we normally do on Sundays.
Summer is here and it's hot as hell. I miss my air conditioning. And the dogs are killing my allergies. Why did I want to come back so bad? Not to mention it's weird to be sleeping alone again after getting so used to having Chris right there if I needed him.
Big day ahead of me. I get to go to my yarn store, possibly mow the yard (if I don't kill the mower, or if I can even get the damn thing started), go to lunch with Mrs. Erwin and Kacy, go to graduation, maybe hit a party or two later tonight, and manage to find enough sleep to not pass out tomorrow night at close. I think I close with Alex. That's good. I can leave early if necessary. Anyways, I have a lot I would like to get done today. My mom gave me a $20 for food or whatever. I'm probably going to spend most of that at the yarn store. Luckily, I gave Chris all of my tip money for laundry, so I am short about $6 or I would have spent that at Kathy's too.
It's just after 6 in the morning, and I'm kind of planning my day. I'm up so early that my plan might involve a nap. I haven't gotten up this early (and stayed up) in ages. Not since before I moved. I used to wake up before 6 every morning so that I could leave before 6:30 to get to Fort Wayne. That's all over now and it's great. Chris and I wake up about 7:15 and head to work...Well, I get up and put in the Simpsons and watch tv and knit all day. I guess today probably won't be much different than any other day. I wonder if Adam is still in town of if he's left for Guatemala yet. I don't know when Lakeland's graduation is, so he might already be gone.
I've sat and rambled for much too long, so I'm going to get off here and maybe take a shower and shave or something. Maybe I'll just color the shower because I haven't had a chance to do that for months. Once I'm unbanned from the basement (mom's working out), I can begin on my knitting again. I'm resizing my $5 in Paris so that it fits Gwen. The yarn I want to buy today is for the cardigan I made for Gabe, only bigger and girlier for his sister. Just a few more hours till she's open...
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Quitting
I'm quitting both my jobs and becoming a full-time knitter. I can't stand either of my jobs anymore and I just want to leave this life and start over as a knitter. It's the only thing I want to do anymore and I can't stand it.
What has sparked this shocking turn of character? What has caused me to change my entire world view? Why have I suddenly and unexpectedly given up something I have loved since the tender age of 14?
I have been declined a job at DeBrand's. Damn it! I wanted this job! I needed an actual full time job, rather than two completely worthless jobs. I am running out of hope for work. I used to love working. I had such dreams. I want to just give up and knit/crochet for a living. I don't plan on going into the office at all this week because I just got screwed over on my paycheck. I worked 36 hours and made $250? That's wrong! I'm supposed to be making $10 an hour! I should not have had a third of my paycheck taken out in taxes! I think Dan is screwing me over and still paying me only $8 an hour. I hate Ritter's, and I hate IFN. I know that Chris has much better reasons to hate it, but I know what I like about jobs. I hate working for people that won't do the same tasks they ask me to do. Dan does that. I also hate being treated like I don't know what I'm doing. I have been working at Ritter's for longer than anyone else there and they all treat me like I'm just some lost and confused new employee.
I've lost the will to work. Today I'm going to finish my cardigan and start something new. I doubt I will work at all. I hate my job. Therefore, I'm not going to. Period. Tired of work. Done.
On the plus side, this cardigan is coming along really well.
What has sparked this shocking turn of character? What has caused me to change my entire world view? Why have I suddenly and unexpectedly given up something I have loved since the tender age of 14?
I have been declined a job at DeBrand's. Damn it! I wanted this job! I needed an actual full time job, rather than two completely worthless jobs. I am running out of hope for work. I used to love working. I had such dreams. I want to just give up and knit/crochet for a living. I don't plan on going into the office at all this week because I just got screwed over on my paycheck. I worked 36 hours and made $250? That's wrong! I'm supposed to be making $10 an hour! I should not have had a third of my paycheck taken out in taxes! I think Dan is screwing me over and still paying me only $8 an hour. I hate Ritter's, and I hate IFN. I know that Chris has much better reasons to hate it, but I know what I like about jobs. I hate working for people that won't do the same tasks they ask me to do. Dan does that. I also hate being treated like I don't know what I'm doing. I have been working at Ritter's for longer than anyone else there and they all treat me like I'm just some lost and confused new employee.
I've lost the will to work. Today I'm going to finish my cardigan and start something new. I doubt I will work at all. I hate my job. Therefore, I'm not going to. Period. Tired of work. Done.
On the plus side, this cardigan is coming along really well.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Knit's End...Erm...End of Sleeve...
I friggin love my new shirt. Well, I'll love it once it's done. I'm working on the second sleeve and then I have some ribbing to do at the bottom. It's turning out so pretty. I'm a little concerned that it won't hang up like my black sweater. It's very drapey and loose. The stitches look fairly tight, but the yarn is much finer than the needles used, so it's really soft. I'll post pictures soon.
I am really very much in love with my boyfriend right now. He is so damn cute. I'm trying so hard to like Futurama...But it's just not really that funny. (I just sneezed down my shirt. Ew.)
I think my interview today went well. The shop manager said that second interviews almost guarantees a job at one of the shops. That's really great because I am tired of Ritter's. Actually, I'm sick of both my jobs. The only problem is that Dan is paying me $10 an hour, and Ritter's isn't. I want so badly to stay, but I just can't take it anymore. I'm considering putting my two weeks in tomorrow. Chris said to wait just in case I don't get the job at DeBrands, but if tomorrow goes like today and the past few months have, I'm putting in my notice tomorrow. I can't stand much more of this job. Damn shame I can't quit both and start over. Meh.
I need to finish that shirt. I think I'm gonna work on that and talk to some old pals on Facebook until Chris gets home all frisky. :)
I am really very much in love with my boyfriend right now. He is so damn cute. I'm trying so hard to like Futurama...But it's just not really that funny. (I just sneezed down my shirt. Ew.)
I think my interview today went well. The shop manager said that second interviews almost guarantees a job at one of the shops. That's really great because I am tired of Ritter's. Actually, I'm sick of both my jobs. The only problem is that Dan is paying me $10 an hour, and Ritter's isn't. I want so badly to stay, but I just can't take it anymore. I'm considering putting my two weeks in tomorrow. Chris said to wait just in case I don't get the job at DeBrands, but if tomorrow goes like today and the past few months have, I'm putting in my notice tomorrow. I can't stand much more of this job. Damn shame I can't quit both and start over. Meh.
I need to finish that shirt. I think I'm gonna work on that and talk to some old pals on Facebook until Chris gets home all frisky. :)
Friday, May 23, 2008
Believe It or Not...
I actually hate work. Both of them. Today kinda blows. I wish it would have rained...
We woke up late. About 45 minutes late. And Chris forgot his power supply, so we had to run home and get it. Then, on our way back to the office, we stopped to get doughnuts at the Marathon, and the douchebag in front of us took all of them! We only had enough bread at the office to make one piece of toast each, and then a sandwich for me. Sergei took all day to fix the one piece I need to actually do my work. I got paid at Ritter's and my pay check is missing almost 15 hours!
...
And now I am starting to believe that Chris thinks I'm stupid for believing in God and that our government isn't totally corrupt. Today sucks.
We woke up late. About 45 minutes late. And Chris forgot his power supply, so we had to run home and get it. Then, on our way back to the office, we stopped to get doughnuts at the Marathon, and the douchebag in front of us took all of them! We only had enough bread at the office to make one piece of toast each, and then a sandwich for me. Sergei took all day to fix the one piece I need to actually do my work. I got paid at Ritter's and my pay check is missing almost 15 hours!
...
And now I am starting to believe that Chris thinks I'm stupid for believing in God and that our government isn't totally corrupt. Today sucks.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Biting Off More Than I Can Chew
I have decided to take on the frivol hat again. This time, with vengeance. I plan on knitting that hat and making it work so that my sister will have something nice to take to school with her. And if she doesn't wear it, I'll kill her. Plain and simple.
First off, the cable down the middle is going to be red. Ball State=red and white, so the hat will be red and white.
Secondly, I'm starting at row 2 and working until row 1, that way I don't have to twist stitches to seam it up at the end. Plus, it should be slightly easier to pull the stitches off the cast on edge. We'll see.
Third, I'm embroidering BSU between 3 of the cable openings off to the right of the center. (When you wear it, it will look towards the left. If you're looking at someone wearing it, the letters will be to the right.)
Fourth, (and this is totally just an idea, I'm not sure if I'm actually brave enough to do this part) knit the ribbing in alternating colors on the top and bottom of the hat. The purl stitches will be red and the knit stitches white. Since this hat is worked back and forth, it will be a real pain in the ass to try and remember which is which.
I'm working the hat with two separate bobbins of red for the cables and probably a third with the ribbing so that I'm not running myself mad trying to twist and untwist.
Am I really this skilled? I don't know. Will this be a "stay-at-home" project rather than an "on-the-road" project? I'm thinking along the lines of...Yeah.
I already knit a row and fucked up, so we are going to frog and go again. I'll keep you posted.
Update!
I almost forgot. I finished Ande's katamari. It's got the magnets in and everything. I used the less strong magnets because I assume it will sit on the same desk as her computer and possibly speakers, and really strong magnets can ruin speakers and computers. Maybe the less strong magnets will be better. If not, she can text me that she wants a new one and it can be her Christmas present.
First off, the cable down the middle is going to be red. Ball State=red and white, so the hat will be red and white.
Secondly, I'm starting at row 2 and working until row 1, that way I don't have to twist stitches to seam it up at the end. Plus, it should be slightly easier to pull the stitches off the cast on edge. We'll see.
Third, I'm embroidering BSU between 3 of the cable openings off to the right of the center. (When you wear it, it will look towards the left. If you're looking at someone wearing it, the letters will be to the right.)
Fourth, (and this is totally just an idea, I'm not sure if I'm actually brave enough to do this part) knit the ribbing in alternating colors on the top and bottom of the hat. The purl stitches will be red and the knit stitches white. Since this hat is worked back and forth, it will be a real pain in the ass to try and remember which is which.
I'm working the hat with two separate bobbins of red for the cables and probably a third with the ribbing so that I'm not running myself mad trying to twist and untwist.
Am I really this skilled? I don't know. Will this be a "stay-at-home" project rather than an "on-the-road" project? I'm thinking along the lines of...Yeah.
I already knit a row and fucked up, so we are going to frog and go again. I'll keep you posted.
Update!
I almost forgot. I finished Ande's katamari. It's got the magnets in and everything. I used the less strong magnets because I assume it will sit on the same desk as her computer and possibly speakers, and really strong magnets can ruin speakers and computers. Maybe the less strong magnets will be better. If not, she can text me that she wants a new one and it can be her Christmas present.
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