Employment Rocks!

I haven't actually physically taken the job yet, but Robert just asked if I wanted to come back to work! Woohoo! I've got a job! Doing something I love, with people I enjoy, in a town I miss dearly. Oh my God, I'm so excited!

How Do I Feel Today?

There was a thread started yesterday where you posted a picture as to how you felt. You weren't allowed to explain anything or reply to another post. You just posted your picture and moved on. I wanted to explain myself here.

However, I am lazy and don't want to post the photo.

I used the picture I did because it was amazingly colorful, but the colors were all trapped under glass. That's kind of how I felt yesterday. Creative, but unable to express it.

Until my yarn gets here, I'm just waiting...waiting...waiting...waiting.

I don't like waiting.

I brought home a box of crayons from mom's and I've been working on my mosiac butterfly. The Sharpie tends to make my head hurt and we are out of aspirin, so I can only work for short amounts of time. I think the butterfly will be pretty once I'm finished. I also think that's what I'll do for the chalk walk. Great big mosiac butterfly. Maybe a flower or something as well. BF is driving me nuts telling me I should do Mario. I'm not wasting 64 square feet on a video game character. If he wants to do it, more power to him.

So...Back to my original question.

How am I feeling today?

Creative?

Tired?

Frustrated?

Giddy?

I'm not totally sure yet. Maybe once I get off my computer and turn on some tunes and start my work for today, I'll feel something besides boredom. I am kind of hungry. That's a feeling, isn't it?

So Much Better

Well, I did it.
I asked Chris for the money to start up. And then I asked my mom for more.
On the plus side, I found this truly amazing place to buy my yarn from, and with the money my mom is giving me, I'll have enough to pay Chris pack, set some aside for more yarn, and pay for shipping to some of the KGs to send out little samples once I've got them.
I've ordered 6 hanks of sock yarn that should be here sometime in the next two weeks. I'm about ready to jump out of my skin waiting though. On the plus side, even if the yarn arrives in two weeks exactly, it will arrive precisely in time for the weekend, therefore making my first trip a nice and pleasant one filled with lots of empty house time so I don't send Chris off the the nut house with my first excursion.
Don't get me wrong. I love my boyfriend, but sometimes it's easier to be creative when he isn't here distracting me. (Or worse...Me trying to distract him!)
I had a lovely talk with one of my favorite online ladies (what am I saying?! She is totally my favorite online lady) and she tried so hard to make me feel better the other day. I wish I would have thanked her properly the other day but I was just so damn grumpy...I plan on sending her a lovely thank you when I can.
On the one down side to this whole project...It's keeping me from sleeping at night. I can't go to sleep in the first place, and then I just wake up and stay up. My whole life I've never slept straight through the night, but I haven't just woken up and stayed up since I was twelve or thirteen.
Alright. I'm done here. Google is pissing me off, so I've got to log back in to keep this thing from driving me bonkers.

My Poor iPod Just Hasn't Caught On...

It keeps playing happy music even though that's about the farthest from how I truly feel. Usually, I like to listen to happy music when I'm frustrated because it puts me in a better state of mind. Today, however, it's the music itself that's bugging me. Not because I don't like the songs (it's a 21-song playlist of my favorite 21 songs on my iPod), but because they are terribly inspiring but I can't do anything about it.

Chris finally talked me into an Etsy shop. I've got all my colors picked out to start off, but I wanted to practice before I used the nice yarn I intend to sell. So, I grabbed some Lion Brand Fisherman's Wool. I wanted to do some color samples, but this yarn doesn't dye. No matter what method I use, I can't get the yarn to take any color. I get a washed out, faded, lousy color and it means I can't do any of the hand painting I wanted to try. I either hand paint and get nothing or kettle dye and get one sucky mousy color.

Until I work out the color issue, I don't get any yarn. I know that the yarn I am ordering will take dye. Easily. I've done it several times now. But this stupid yarn won't take the color. And it's the only "undyed" yarn (though I'm fairly certain this yarn has been bleached-I've seen this happen before) around town.

I'm incredibly frustrated and not sure what the next step is. I think Chris was maybe going to get the yarn for me to start up, but now I don't think he will. He's smart. He will want to see exactly what I can do, but currently I can't do anything. He gets home around 2 so I'll talk to him and show him the problems I'm having. Maybe we can work something out.

I really wanted to have this stupid shop up by the end of next week. Now I don't think that's going to happen. To be totally honest...

I don't think I'll ever get it up and running. Not because I don't want to...But I don't think Chris will trust me enough to front me the money. Why should he? I still don't have a job. I've been late every month since December. I don't have a car (nor will I be able to use Ande's because now her brakes have completely shut down and mom's has totally died as well). I just don't do anything right. So...Even though I know he says I can make this work, I don't think he really wants to believe in me. He doesn't want to loose money. I don't blame him. I'm pretty useless as a girlfriend.

Hm. That turned depressing awfully quickly. I'm gonna go try to clean up my mess.

I Hate Death.

Ever since I was old enough to know what being scared is, I've been scared of everything. Until I moved in with Chris, I slept with the tv on every night because I don't like being left in the dark. Before I had a tv in my room I slept with the door open and had to go to sleep before my parents went to bed. If that didn't happen, I lay panicing in the dark until my parents were downstairs so that I could turn the lights on and exhaust myself to sleep by coloring or reading or whatever.

Now that I live with Chris, I can't sleep if I'm not physically touching him. He makes me feel protected and secure. The 4 days he was in St. Louis were awful. I was awake until the sun came up because I couldn't sleep in the dark by myself. It's insane.

It's all because I fear death.

I'm terrified of dying. When I finally moved away from home, I called my mom at least once a day to check on her. My sister too. I still call my mom more frequently than is probably normal. I just always had this sick feeling like they were going to die, and no one would bother telling me. I panic watching other people speed down the highway. People running red lights make me flinch. I get goosebumps and shivers and nauseaous whenever I pass a dead animal on the road. I just hate death.

Chris loves zombie movies and videogames. He likes playing Left 4 Dead and now Dead Space...Well, I guess Dead Space isn't really zombies, but the crew is killed and then reanimated in scary alien form, but those are just technicalities. I can't watch Chris play Left 4 Dead and then go right to sleep. If he has to use the bathroom before he goes to sleep, I lay in bed awake watching out the window in an absolute panic until he comes to bed. I can't sleep if I'm not directly against the wall. If you try to put me in a spot near the door, I go crazy. I also can't be the one who finally turns out the light before bed.

If I wake up in the middle of the night, I have to spend 5 minutes talking myself into getting out of bed and going to the bathroom or to get a drink or my inhaler. Can you believe it? I'd rather lie in bed unable to breathe than get up and face the dark and almost certain death? It's irrational. I'm terrified that if I let my hands or feet hang over the edge of the bed, some dead and rotting thing will grab them and drag me under. I even worry about Chris. If something were to happen to him and he were turned into a zombie or monster, would he be the one to kill me?

These things eat away at me. I don't like being home alone. I don't like driving at night. I really don't like the dark. And I hate that someday I'll need to come to terms with this. I'm not sure I'll ever have it in me to not be afraid.

Dying, Part 2

Seriously...Something is wrong with me. I'm going to schedule a doctor's visit next week. This stomach-hurting-all-the-time-thing has got to go. I can't stand much more.

Yet Another BTW:

I want to grafitti something public with yarn. I want to get a group of knitters/crocheters together to graffiti this town. I think it would be a blast to go out sometime this summer and throw scarves and hats on everything.

And no need to mention that I spelled grafitti two different ways. I know I did. I don't know how to spell it and I don't care to find out either. I'm just that lazy.